Two Medieval Monks Invent Bestiaries

effington:

em-ily-grace:

By Mallory Ortberg on The Toast

MONK #1: do birds have meetings
MONK #2: absolutely
they have a Meeting Hat and everything
MONK #1: what do they have meetings about
MONK #2: mostly who gets to wear the meeting hat

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MONK #1: do human women sleep in beds or–
MONK #2: no that’s dogs you’re thinking of
MONK #1: right right

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MONK #1: what part of the knight do fish go on
MONK #2: the head
MONK #1: thanks
MONK #2: oh absolutely
no problem at all
MONK #1: both lying flatwise across the head, or…?
MONK #2: no one on each side
like ears
MONK #1: ok great

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MONK #1: so when a dog and a bird make out
MONK #2: right
MONK #1: it’s usually the bird that’s on top
right?
MONK #2: yeah
usually
MONK #1: great

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MONK #1: hey is it owls or people that live in caves and build fires?
MONK #2: owls

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MONK #1: hey roughly what size are sparrows
MONK #2: mm
it kind of depends
MONK #1: like
AS big as a tree
or not quite as big as a tree?
MONK #2: oh pretty much the same size as a tree

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MONK #1: can cows sail boats?
MONK #2: hahaha no
common misconception
they have to put wheels on the boat and roll it over land

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MONK #1: what do birds eat
MONK #2: other birds mostly
MONK #1: like different kinds of birds, or something else
MONK #2: no birds only eat exactly the same kind of birds that they are

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MONK #1: what kind of bird tucks people into bed at night
usually I mean
MONK #2: any bird
any kind of walking bird
MONK #1: and when it tucks you in, people usually look…
MONK #2: incredibly worried
it’s incredibly worrying when the bedbird tucks you in

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MONK #1: ugh sorry to bother you again
MONK #2: no no its fine
this is what i’m here for
what is it
MONK #1: what part of a goat is a snail again
like the front end or the back end
MONK #2: what part do you feel like should be the snail part
MONK #1: the back part?
MONK #2: you shouldnt doubt yourself
you know more about goats than you give yourself credit for

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MONK #1: what usually rides horses
like people or–
MONK #2: fire

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Tbh this is the funniest post on this dumb website

Wait wait our idea of dirty medieval peasants is based on a *tax aversion scam*??? Please tell me more I need to know this. *bounces excitedly*

robstmartin:

brunhiddensmusings:

shortly after william the conquerer came to power he initiated something known as ‘the doomsday book’- he sent envoys to survey his new lands to record the properties he now controlled so they could pay accurate taxes. every acre of field, every mill, livestock, buildings and their relative size- all would be recorded to determine the wealth of each settlement so a percentage could be expected as rent. for an example of what this book meant;  the previous king was aware of and collected taxes from about 20 grain mills in england, william’s audit shot that number above 200. you dont know the meaning of ‘pedantic’ untill you start reading about medieval grain mills, theres a church that paved its floor with confiscated ‘illegal’ millstones to ensure that the town had to get its flour from the church’s official mill and one war simply about stealing the same millstone back and fourth for quite a few decades

of course word of these envoys traveled faster then they did, virtually every town they came to had time to claim they had far less taxable wealth then they actually did have by the time the audit arrived. in one of the more over the top cases an entire village pretended to have caught insanity- when the taxmen arrived they saw screaming laughing idiots with underwear on their heads so they left as fast as they could considering at the time insanity was thought to be literally contagious. it would be over five years before anyone tried to audit that town again. its safe to assume a large number of other villages also had sudden cases of strange diseases, mysteriously disappearing cows, or very large shrubberies and haybales shaped like buildings and you dont need to look over that hill either. thats not even touching how many small communities just plain didnt technically exist because they were too small, somewhere weird, or in legal limbo of who owned it

of course when the feudal part of feudalism started moving its gears you found that the local lord of that village was unlikely to divulge the exact amount of rents they could collect to THEIR lord either, knowing that the more they admitted to receiving the more they were expected to hand over. this was not exclusive to england either, the more you learn about feudalism the more you have to ask how all these minor lords out in the boonies kept having the money and soldiers to do all the political intrigue bullshit, the answer is also tax evasion. each village kept claiming it had fewer people living in shittier houses with less land and fewer livestock then they actually had, and each local lord kept claiming they were receiving less rents then they actually took so were also adverse to an accurate audit.

their knowledge of tax loopholes also extended to finding out that clergymen were either exempt from tax or received a far lower rate of tax, so proving you qualified as a clergyman was an endeavor that paid dividends. specifically to prove you were clergy you proved that you could read and write enough Latin to satisfy an official, so you could spend some money to hire someone to tutor you enough Latin to fake it. its estimated that due to this fully ten percent of medieval english households wrote ‘clergy’ on their tax forms.

another and even more extreme example was the peasants revolt of 1381, london was swarmed by the unwashed masses from all sides instigated by an official trying to collect (a lot of) unpaid poll taxes, an angry mob driving a teenaged king Richard II to retreat to a boat in the river, and culminating with 1500 peasants being executed by an emergency militia. this doesn’t sound like a huge success untill you dig into some of the details- peasants from a large number of villages all arrived at london at the same time, leaving dedicated forces specifically to stop ships from acessing london to break the siege, the peasants executed a select number of court officials and started burning paperwork- but systematically only burning the ones detailing who owned plots of land, debt records, and a few criminal records. the peasants who besieged london and scared the king into the river had successfully purged a whole lot of debts and reclaimed a lot of land in one very ballsy and highly coordinated move that relied on them being seen as illiterate dirt farmers with no ulterior motives besides pitchfork mob riot and trying to kiss the queen mother while they touch everything in the tower of london with their grimy hands

found it. this is… this is amazing. I did a BA in Medieval British History and we never, ever, once considered this. Not once. At a major Canadian university.

jfc this changes my entire brain

shatterpath:

excalibelle:

me watching monsters inc as a kid: how did it take so long for anyone to figure out that human child laughter not only produced energy like screams, but was more effective, and that children aren’t actually dangerous at all?

me watching monsters inc now: monsters incorporated, a multi-billion dollar corporate giant, stood to make extra profits off a scream shortage because low supply with high demand makes it possible to charge a fortune for a necessary commodity and everyone has no choice but to pay the high prices because they can’t go without electricity. Therefore Monsters Inc, as well as any other major powers that may have existed at the start of the era of using scream energy, fabricated the idea that only screams could generate sustainable energy sources in order to create artificial scarcity, because laugh energy was far easier to obtain and far more efficient, and therefore stood to lower the value of energy due to surplus. They also fabricated the idea that human children were toxic, in order to a) make other monsters too afraid to go near them to do research and possibly discover the secret of laugh energy, and b) to make monsters so afraid of going near them that there is a shortage of scarers, making it harder for rival companies to rise up and create competition. Even in the monster world, capitalism is based on lies, greed and cruelty, and even monster companies have no qualms about using and abusing children to maximize profits.

And this is one of the reasons why Pixar is such a brilliant storyteller. because both reactions are totally accurate.

GAY GIRLS GUIDE TO LESBIAN ROMANCE NOVELS WITH A HAPPY ENDING

amenamyacker:

mysteriousscorpio:

rainbowsnowflakekittens:

treblemakerz:

flirtatioushairflipping-taq:

ralst:

cainsvalkyrie:

cainsvalkyrie:

yourequicksand:

lesbianfandoms:

Annie on my mind- Nancy Garden

Keeping you a secret- Julie Anne Peters

Leaving L.A.- Kate Christie

Me and you and daisies- Lily R. Mason

The world unseen- Shamim Sarif 

Wildthorn- Jane England

Tipping the velvet- Sarah Waters

Dare truth or promise- Paula Boock

And Playing the role of herself- K.E. Lane

Hunter’s Way- Gerri Hill

Ash- Malinda Lo

The price of salt- Patricia Highsmith

Patience & Sarah- Isabel Miller

The Gravity between us- Kristen Zimmer

Her name in the sky- Kelly Quindlen 

Taking the long way- Lily R. Mason

Fingersmith- Sarah Waters

Everything Leads to You – Nina LaCour

i feel like it’s worth noting that although her name in the sky had a happy ending, a lot of the book deals with a lot of internalized as well as external homophobia and the bullying that the girls face can be kind of extreme, so be careful if you’re looking for feel good books!

and i forgot to add: She’s My Ride Home – Jackie Bushore

Embrace in Motion / Car Pool / Wild Thing / Just Like That / One Degree of Separation / Love by the Numbers / Substitute for Love / Finders Keepers / In Deep Waters / Warming Trend / Sugar / In Every Port / Roller Coaster / All the Wrong Places / Paperback Romance / The Kiss that Counted by Karin Kallmaker

The Wild One / Dreams Found / Getting There / Dream Lover / Always and Forever / The Feel of Forever by Lyn Denison

Sierra City / Love Waits / Devil’s Rock / Artist’s Dream / Storms / Coyote Sky / No Strings / One Summer Night / Gulf Breeze / Dawn of Change by Gerri Hill

Curious Wine by Katherine V Forrest

Silent Heart / Under the Southern Cross by Claire McNab

Butch Girls Can Fix Anything by Paula Offutt

Once More with Feeling by Peggy J Herring

Sea Legs / Sumter Point / Worth Every Step / Out of Love / The House on Sandstone by KG MacGregor

Payback by Gabrielle Goldsby

1049 Club by Kim Pritekel

Bobby Blanchard, Lesbian Gym Teacher / Lois Lenz, Lesbian Secretary by Monica Nolan

Starting from Scratch / 96 Hours by Georgia Beers

Just Business by Julie Cannon

Something in the Wine by Jae

Wild at Heart by Layce Gardner

Green Eyed Monster by Gill McKnight

Babyji – Abha Dawesar

NEVER FORGET MY FAVORITE BOOK GUYS IT’S SO GOOD AND SO UNDERAPPRECIATED

a love story starring my dead best friend by emily horner

Tell me again how a crush should feel – sarah farizan

The summer i wasnt  me – jessica verdi (this one is set in a gay-conversion camp though so fair warning!)

When Women Were Warriors – Catherine M Wilson. (Lady warriors with weapons! and POC main character?!)

the dark wife by Sarah Diemer