Spring comic. Spring is when I miss living in the woods in Wisconsin the most, cool plants, morel mushrooms, my mom pulling wood ticks off my head… just wonderful.
If you like my comic and want to toss some money in my hat here’s a link.
Why aren’t Fruit Bat Vampires a thing???? Like they have 15 fridges or somehing and are obsessed with watermelons and pineapples. They are more day-light and people friendly. Like super chill. They love just chilling in flowerbeds. They like to farm and garden. “Why would you attack a human WHEN YOU COULD HAVE THIS NECTARINE??”
…that’s adorable I need one.
Always drinking fruit juice, always inviting you to the damn smoothie bar, always at the damn farmer’s market
They bug their werewolf friends to eat more fruit. ‘You’ll get scurvy if all you eat is porkchops!’
That awkward moment when a 4am post pops back on your dash XD
It’s 4pm here and I still love this idea
Look, @smurflewis, you asked a question that needs answering.
“You’re not drinking, Count?”
The count gave a small smile, expressing rueful regret as he gazed at the deep red liquid swirling in his guest’s glass and replied; “I do not drink…. vine…. “
From behind his cape he pulled out a small box with a picture of a happy looking parrot emblazoned on it, a bendy straw sticking out of the top; “Now grape juice.. zat I can chug like zere is no tomorrow!”
OKAY BUT I’D READ AN ENTIRE BOOK ABOUT INCONGRUOUS VAMPIRES AND OTHER MONSTERS.
LIKE I REALLY WOULD.
Except guys, the fruitbats are mostly from the, area between India and Australia.
So fruitbat vampires would not have a Romanian/Hungarian accent, they’d sound Indian or Fillipino or Aussie or something.
So more like:
“Yeah mate, these poppers are heaps good. Don’t know why you fools go are all for O positive.”
IM AUSTRALIAN sO WHY ARENT I BLESSED WITH A FRUIT BAT VAMPIRE LOVER YET ???
So in lore, vampires have this trait that I’ve almost never seen used, and that’s the fact that vampires are OBSESSED with counting things. Like, the Count on Sesame Street was almost certainly created specifically as a vampire because of this piece of lore.
Like, I read this vampire book years and years ago that explained that a surefire way to protect yourself from vampires getting into your house was to spread a ton of seeds on your doorstep–poppy and mustard seeds were particularly recommended for the purpose. Basically, if you suspected someone to be a vampire, all you had to do was drop a sackful of seeds on the ground in front of them.
If they didn’t immediately start counting them, they were not a vampire. However, if they WERE a vampire, they’d be seized with the urge to count all the seeds and they would not budge from that spot until they knew how many seeds there were in total. The point was to keep them there until the sun came up and killed them, because if they hadn’t counted all the seeds by sunrise they wouldn’t be able to leave. Presumably you could just go about the rest of your evening as normal, though no word on whether it’s possible to make them lose count and start over.
Having remembered this piece of lore, I want fewer stories about brooding tortured Edward Cullen-esque vampires. I want to start seeing more stories about math nerd vampires.
Vampire accountants who are an honest company’s best asset and a corrupt company’s bane because they are frighteningly accurate with the accounts and will not hesitate to blow the whistle on a CEO scamming money because fuck you for making the numbers wrong.
Vampire cashiers that don’t need to look at the register screen because they already mentally calculated your total. 10-items-or-less vampires who know goddamn well you have 20 items in that basket and NO, you cannot just slip in with the rest.
Vampire math tutors who are constantly in high demand and have to hold lotteries to see who gets to be tutored by them.
MATH NERD VAMPIRES
If anyone would like the term for this, it’s arithmomania.
“But sir, he’s a vampire!!!”
“Vampire or not, he’s the best damn accountant we have here, and i’d let him drink my blood before i fire him!”
“still less of a leech than Matt in legal. Fuck matt”
Okay but also, vampires as drug dealers- a profession that requires extremely quick, extremely accurate counting. “You’re 5 dollars short.” “There’s 50,000 dollars in there at least, how the fuck did you count that fast-” “Pay up or I will drink you like a slurpee.”
vampires always like “i could kill you if I wanted” like? yeah? so could another human being. so could a dog. so could a dedicated duck. you arent special
lemme tell you i am so fucking tired of angsty vampires. its enough.
give me a newly-turned twenty-something vampire who hears about their newfound immortality and is like “thank god,” then proceeds to invest in some promising startups and fucks off to take a nap for two decades
give me a vampire thats only the tiniest bit phased at the blood diet because “eh, i tried paleo a while back and it was just as weird”
give me a vampire with self image issues who never has to avoid mirrors again because – bingo – no reflection
give me a genderqueer vampire who finally has an answer when someone asks their gender. “are you a boy or a girl?” “i am a vampire.” “but whats in your pants?” “fangs.”
best of all, give me a vampire chick who is so stoked about being nocturnal because she’s never been able to walk alone after dark before and it’s nice to be able to walk her friends home and know theyre all safe with her
Question of Smoke 