on romance – Question of Smoke

thatdiabolicalfeminist:

I’m really uncomfortable with stories where one person is like, really wary and Doesn’t Trust Anyone/Believe in Love because they’ve Been Hurt Before, and their love interest’s way of Teaching Them to Trust Again is to just utterly ignore their boundaries.

Especially if whenever our prickly protagonist calls them on it, the love interest shames them and insists it’s for the protagonists’ own good, because They Need to Learn to Trust Again.

That’s so fucked up.

After a bad situation, especially a bad relationship, it’s completely understandable and normal to be afraid of losing your autonomy again, of being railroaded and having your boundaries ignored like they were before. It’s completely understandable to be cynical about people’s intentions and to not want to fall in love when your love for someone has been weaponized against you before.

And the right way for someone to earn your trust should involve them taking the time to listen to and respect your boundaries and be there for you in a way that doesn’t threaten your autonomy. Someone who deserves your trust and love won’t try to bully or manipulate or coerce you, even “for your own good!”

Someone who wants to earn your trust and love should be willing to prove that they can be trustworthy. If it’s too much work for them – which is fine! – they shouldn’t be pursuing a relationship with someone who doesn’t feel safe without that work.

It’s not romantic for someone to decide that their interest in someone gives them the right to do absolutely anything, however inappropriate, that might result in a relationship. It’s really gross that we get sold this idea that it’s “romantic” to overrule people’s boundaries and autonomy, as long as your goal is to be in a relationship with them.

It’s not romantic. Stories where this happens are not good love stories. They’re stories of people afraid to trust, having their choices taken away from them yet again.