You have to remind men that they don’t have power over you and you don’t owe them attention, emotional investment, love, time, or consideration just because they like you or because he’s a “nice guy”.
There are a lot of white women relogging this.
You have to remind white people that they don’t have power over you and you don’t owe them attention, emotional investment, free teaching, love, time, or consideration just because they like you/your culture or because they’re an “ally”.
Reblog this too.
I’m reblogging this with a small addition after reading through way too many of the previous comments, some of which were quite aggressive or vitriolic, and some that were genuinely confused and could have needed a kind pointer.
Fellow white people: the second and third part of this post are an addition to the first in that the core idea is the same. If you agree with the first sentiment, -that a woman does not owe a man anything for being “a nice guy”, then a black woman does not owe a white woman anything for being “an ally”. It is meant to have you look at yourself in comparison to other groups, the same way you look at other groups in comparison to yourself. Basically, check your privilege now that you have a chance to see the same aspects of different situations.
I do recommend that you don’t go and read through other comments though, it was quite demotivating.
Mind if I hop on this to say cis ppl arent entitled to trans ppl’s love, trust, or to know about their body in addition to the previous points
Let them know!!
All of this.
If anyone still has issues understanding this, it’s simple: nobody owes you anything for being a basic decent human being, or if you’re interested in them. And other than the “nice guy” bit it also works for feminism. I’ve seen people ask “Why be an ally if women / black people / transgender people are so angry and I don’t get anything for it?” and the idea is simple, again: because they’re people and deserve respect as people. Attention and favor are nice, but that’s a bonus. The crux of this is that they’re people, and what’s happening to them is not okay. They don’t owe you anything for that.
👆👆👆THIS 👆👆👆
If you are an ally because you want to be praised for being an ally, you’re not actually an ally.
Reddit user TheABrown describes “nice guy” in literary terms and nails it:
A
friend of mine who is big into English literature has described a big
chunk of them as “The Mr Collinses of the world who are bewildered and
angry that not even Charlotte Lucas will have them now that she has more
options.”
For those who haven’t read Pride and Prejudice, Mr Collins is a
character who has a decent income, isn’t vicious, but he’s annoying and
unpleasant. After being rejected by the heroine, he marries another
woman called Charlotte Lucas, who marries him because she’s getting
older, not likely to have another proposal, and is worried about living
the rest of her life as the maiden aunt in genteel poverty dependent on
her father or brother. [source]
I also like the second comment:
I mean, the feckless Wickhams of the world will always attract the silly Lydias; and the genuinely decent and honourable Bingleys and Darcys seem to find their Janes and Elizabeths – but the modern Charlottes – well, lots of them, now that it’s socially acceptable, and financially viable, to be single, would much prefer to spend the rest of their lives living in their own little one-bedroom flats, working their sensible, modestly renumerated jobs, and spending their evenings with friends, pizza, wine, and their pet cats if their options for marriage and partnership are Mr Collinses, regardless of whether Mr Collins has a respectable career or a nice house in the suburbs.
The Mr Collinses are (usually) not vicious or nasty or even objectively a terrible life decision (like a Wickham), but most Charlottes don’t want to spend their lives with them if there’s another option.
The other problem of course is that a lot of Mr Collinses are under some sort of delusion that they’re Mr Darcy/Mr Bingley/Mr Knightley etc.
I think the best definition of a “Nice Guy” is “Someone who’s convinced he’s Mr. Darcy but is really Mr. Collins.”
^ Yes this.
Mind you his travelling fifty miles to…er…commiserate on Lydia’s disgrace? Is maybe not vicious in the physical sense but at BEST it’s horribly tone deaf and at worse outright gloating.
Also worth pointing out:
Collins is turned down by Lizzie and disbelieves her. She says several times in the strongest terms that she doesn’t want him but NOPE, she can’t possibly be serious. It takes her leaving the room to get it through his head.
Darcy, by contrast, is turned down and is shocked, but he doesn’t NOT TAKE HER SERIOUSLY. He’s appalled that she would ever think of turning him down, he demands to know why (and by gum does she let him have it) but he takes her at her word. At which point he leaves.
AND THEN TRIES TO DO BETTER.
Mr Collins bumbles off and proposes to the first woman who doesn’t roll her eyes at him. Darcy goes off and attempts to amend his faults, not to win Lizzie over but Because She Is Right and He Was Being An Arse.
“The recollection of what I then said, of my conduct, my manners, my expressions during the whole of it, is now, and has been many months, inexpressibly painful to me. Your reproof, so well applied, I shall never forget: “had you behaved in a more gentleman-like manner.” Those were your words. You know not, you can scarcely conceive, how they have tortured me; – though it was some time, I confess, before I was reasonable enough to allow their justice.”
I love me some Pride and Prejudice. (points at videos)
So much Jane Austen reveals that there is nothing new under the damn sun.
As I said when the Google Memo hit: If there’s a story about gender out there, there’s probably an Austen quote for it.
From Persuasion:
Captain Harville:”I won’t allow it to be any more
man’s nature than women’s to be inconstant or to forget those they love
or have loved. I believe the reverse. I believe… Let me just observe
that all histories are against you, all stories, prose, and verse. I do
not think I ever opened a book in my life which did not have something
to say on women’s fickleness.”
Question of Smoke 