So in lore, vampires have this trait that I’ve almost never seen used, and that’s the fact that vampires are OBSESSED with counting things. Like, the Count on Sesame Street was almost certainly created specifically as a vampire because of this piece of lore.
Like, I read this vampire book years and years ago that explained that a surefire way to protect yourself from vampires getting into your house was to spread a ton of seeds on your doorstep–poppy and mustard seeds were particularly recommended for the purpose. Basically, if you suspected someone to be a vampire, all you had to do was drop a sackful of seeds on the ground in front of them.
If they didn’t immediately start counting them, they were not a vampire. However, if they WERE a vampire, they’d be seized with the urge to count all the seeds and they would not budge from that spot until they knew how many seeds there were in total. The point was to keep them there until the sun came up and killed them, because if they hadn’t counted all the seeds by sunrise they wouldn’t be able to leave. Presumably you could just go about the rest of your evening as normal, though no word on whether it’s possible to make them lose count and start over.
Having remembered this piece of lore, I want fewer stories about brooding tortured Edward Cullen-esque vampires. I want to start seeing more stories about math nerd vampires.
Vampire accountants who are an honest company’s best asset and a corrupt company’s bane because they are frighteningly accurate with the accounts and will not hesitate to blow the whistle on a CEO scamming money because fuck you for making the numbers wrong.
Vampire cashiers that don’t need to look at the register screen because they already mentally calculated your total. 10-items-or-less vampires who know goddamn well you have 20 items in that basket and NO, you cannot just slip in with the rest.
Vampire math tutors who are constantly in high demand and have to hold lotteries to see who gets to be tutored by them.
MATH NERD VAMPIRES
If anyone would like the term for this, it’s arithmomania.
“But sir, he’s a vampire!!!”
“Vampire or not, he’s the best damn accountant we have here, and i’d let him drink my blood before i fire him!”
“still less of a leech than Matt in legal. Fuck matt”
Okay but also, vampires as drug dealers- a profession that requires extremely quick, extremely accurate counting. “You’re 5 dollars short.” “There’s 50,000 dollars in there at least, how the fuck did you count that fast-” “Pay up or I will drink you like a slurpee.”
i will never be over the fact that during first contact a human offered their hand to a vulcan and the vulcan was just like “wow humans are fucking wild” and took it
Humanity’s first contact with Vulcans was some guy going “I’m down to fuck.”
Vulcans’ first contact with Humans was an emphatic “Sure.”
“sir…these…these humans…they greet each other by…” *glances around before furtively whispering* “by clasping hands…”
*prolonged silence* “oh my…”
“sir…sir how will we make first contact with them? surely we…we cannot refuse this handclasping ritual, they will take it as an insult, but what vulcan would agree to such a distasteful and uncomfortable ritual??”
*several pensive moments later* “contact the vulcan high command and tell them to send us kuvak. i once saw that crazy son of a bitch arm wrestle a klingon, he’ll put his hands on anything”
Elsewhere, w/ kuvak: “….my day has come.”
The vulcan who made first contact with humans is named Solkar guys. Y’all just be makin’ up names for characters that already have names.
Bonus: here’s a screencap of Solkar doing the “my body is ready” pose right before he shakes Zefram Cochrane’s hand:
I swear Vulcans only come in two types and they are “distant xenophobes” or “horny on main for humanity”. Also apparently this guy is Spock’s great-grandfather and frankly that explains everything.
Hey so I looked into this at one point and that handshake literally created a lifelong telepathic bond between the two of them, and basically all of Solkar’s descendants were later obsessed with humans, including freaking SPOCK, so I’m not saying that handshake was so gay and good that it created an intergenerational telepathic bond between Solkar’s descendants and humans, but I’m also not….not….saying that.
one time i meant to send my qpp a hashtag millennial joke txt about my ptsd but i accidentally sent it to my manager and i died that day n never recovered its arguably the most mortifying thing ive ever done bc hes a war veteran of 26 years in the military
mISTAKES
one time i told him that i hadnt eaten in a couple days bc i was stressed out n he was like “yeah i know that feeling, i didnt eat for two weeks once” and i was like oh no why were you sick? and he goes “well i was in the cafeteria and a bomb flew over my head and blew up our kitchen and bathrooms and so i just didnt leave my room for a couple weeks lmao yeah it really fucked me up” AND I WAS KUST LIKE OH OK JOHN HOLY SHIT???
i told him that i went shark diving a few years ago and evenTHEN HE WAS LIKE “oh yeah i remember scuba diving in like shark infested waters for training it was really cold” JOHN PLEASE
hes a super chill dude tho who just wants hugs and hes always rly respectful n is asking ppl about their boundaries so he doesnt cross over any lines and like one time we were talking and i confided in him abt my mental issues n i was like “i know it probably sounds stupid to hear from me like oh haha yeah sure dave youve got ptsd ok stop being dramatic ur like three years old” but he immediately was like “anybody can have ptsd, its post-TRAUMATIC and what causes that is something BAD, you dont have to b in a war for bad things to happen to you” and i was like How Are You So Nice Thank You John Thats So Sweet WTF
10/10 guy n he laughs at my jokes when i flip out
gonna wrap up this post set with one more quality john moment: he was frumping around the back of the store and was like “i dont understand why customers r intimidated by me? i guess im scary” n i was like
john ur not scary you are like a tiny delicate flower
AND HE JUST GETS ALL BASHFUL AND SMILES N LOOKS DOWN N GOES “aaawe, thanks,,” LIKE GAAAHHHH
i highly recommended ppl finding more johns in their lives
when someone loves you – really loves you – treat them gently. text your best friend back when you can. tell your mother you noticed her haircut and that she was right about that recipe. tell your grandfather that the boats in his bottles are the best things you’ve ever seen. be good to the people who are good to you. it’s the least you can do.
Some of the Amazons, like Kroes, auditioned, while the filmmakers
plucked others from the athletic world — Brooke Ence, an American
Crossfit champion, and Madeleine Vall Beijner, a Swedish professional
fighter, among them. “I got an e-mail asking if I could do fighting on
film,” Beijner recalls. “I said, ‘Well, yes, I can fight, and I think I
can fight in a movie. So yes, I’ll do it!’ ”
Months before the cameras started rolling, the women gathered in London
for weeks of training. Not only did they go through basic strength
training to look properly Amazonian, but they also spent hours each day
practicing swordplay, horseback riding and stunt choreography. “The
trainers said they wanted us to look like the female version of 300,”
Beijner says. For several of the athletes, many of whom compete in
individual sports, it was a refreshing change of pace to feel like part
of an all-female team. “It really is cool to see this whole training
area, and there’s not one male figure in sight,” Ence adds. “It’s just
women wrestling other women, kickboxing, doing pull-ups and practicing
with spears — just a lot of stuff that in the real world is very
male-dominated.”
[…]
Once they all donned their Amazon armor and took to the beach for the
big Themysciran battle scenes, Ence says she was surprised by how easy
it was to tap into her inner warrior, especially when surrounded by a
whole horde of fellow soldiers. “The first day we were on-set with all
of our swords and shields, it felt like a different type of power,” she
says. “And we looked awesome.” She wasn’t the only one who got swept up
by all the swords and stunts: Kroes recalls a day when her young son
visited her, and she greeted him in full battle regalia. “If I could
just have that face framed as a picture on my wall,” she says. “I think I
melted because he has never looked at me like that ever. He was just in
full admiration of his mommy as a warrior.”
Question of Smoke 