so I’ve been meaning to put this on tumblr and keep forgetting but, in the campaign I’m running my sister is playing an orc fighter, and one of the options you can pick for a fighter’s signature weapon is that it “glows in the presence of [fill in the blank].”
I was like, “oh, that’s funny because it’s a reference to that sword in The Hobbit that glows in the presence of orcs. Your weapon probably doesn’t glow in the presence of orcs.”
to which she responded, “FUCK YEAH it does.”
So now we have in the party an orc fighter with a club that glows in the presence of orcs. Or, as far as the character is concerned, a club that glows. It’s been in her family for generations since some ancestor won it in a battle, and it’s just always glowed. She has a sack to put it in when she’s trying to be stealthy.
Rhodey meeting Shuri like “I must ask of you a favor I’m not worthy of but that we all need” and five minutes later, Stark Industries website is hacked and every usage of “Stark” is replaced with “Stank”
Concept: Some jackass shows Bucky how to make a blog and it becomes really popular. Not because it’s the blog of James Buchanan Barnes, American Legend, War Hero, Infamous Assassin, Alleged Terrorist. Nobody even knows it’s his blog. It gets really popular because people think it’s a really great shitpost generator or something. Because Bucky is just a Weird Fucking Person and everything he posts on his fucking personal blog comes off as somewhere between dril and Jaden Smith and people are like “this is some quality garbage right here” and thus Accidental Memelord Bucky is born.
Bucky posts things like
“What is wrong with bananas. I ate a banana today and it was Wrong. America why”
“Every time I put on my eye makeup it gets bigger. My whole face is eyeliner now.”
“Why does friendship feel so much like punching”
“When I wake up in the middle of the night I am either thinking ‘who am I? does my life have meaning?’ or “did I already eat all of the plums?’”
“Why are you so grumpy” they ask me. they do not realize this is just my Face.”
“I know i said i would give my left arm for a cup of coffee but i am more awake now and i would like my arm back please”
“I guess I must have done something horrible in a past life. I mean. I definitely did something horrible in this life, so. “
OMG I LOVEEEE
YEEESSSSSSS!
“Guy in front of me won’t move his car seat up. I think that might still be upset about all those times I tried to kill him.”
“Got lectured by a guy who had been complaining about how things were Back In The Day. I don’t understand why he got upset. I too lived through the Great Depression and was drafted for the War.”
“The economy in this century sucks. Who exactly though another Stock Market crash was a good idea?”
“Apparently, it was Rude™ of me to pitch in my two cents on a conversation I happened to overhear, despite agreeing with them. On an unrelated note, I am no longer allowed in the ceiling vents.”
“‘If you don’t behave we’ll send (mutual) after you.’ Jokes on them. I’m the one who trained them to be an assassin in the first place.”
“Tried to buy a Chicken Dinner candy bar at the supermarket today. Turns out they were discontinued 54 years ago. Super bummed.”
“Wait. People were on the moon?! We got into space? There is a way off of this rock?! Why am I only just hearing about this?!”
“’Have you been living under a rock the past 50 years?’ No I was cryogenically frozen for 70. I don’t appreciate your tone young man.”
“My friend likes convincing people that I’m the Reckless one in our friendship. As if he won’t find an alley behind a bar to pick a fight in if I take my eyes off him for two seconds.”
“Why would i want to get a haircut when instead I can look like i just returned from a 12 year jaunt in the wilderness every time i grow a beard”
“was having a hard time finding noodles in the grocery store & asked a clerk for help. she looked at me like a crazy person. lady, it’s not my fault you don’t speak russian”
“what kind of idiot thinks dancers are sissies? literally every ballerina i have ever met could kill an adult man with just her legs”
“today i discovered Conditioner. the future is a miracle and my hair like a cloud now”
“apparently just jumping on to a moving bus when you are running late is not a thing people do anymore. please stop yelling at me.”
“went to a club last night to see what the hip kids were into. apparently the latest thing is just having sex standing up with your clothes on in a room full of people.”
“on the one hand, people dressed much nicer in the 40s. on the other hand, yoga pants.”
“rode in a car with heated seats today. it is my house now. i live here.”
“i have acquired a small bear. i am putting a collar and leash on him. he is my dog. no one tell animal control”
“i am working on this whole Good Guy thing but anyone who cuts me in line at starbucks deserves to have their kneecaps shot out okay”
“why did they have to make escalators so terrifying to get on and off of? from now on I’m just jumping off the mall balconies. none of this awful moving teeth staircase”
“i don’t care if it’s a ‘priceless historical artifact,’ punk, i didn’t wanna do the dishes and it makes a pretty good spaghetti bowl”
“hoodie pockets are so great. i can fit like three sandwiches and a grenade in there and my hands are still warm”
“i really though we would have flying cars by now. the future is such a letdown.”
“changed sam’s ringtone to jesus take the wheel.”
“do you know that feeling when you go to lean on your short friend’s conveniently arm-rest-height shoulder but you forget they had a huge growth spurt and you just awkwardly lean your elbow into the middle of their bicep”
“i swear i didn’t know your girlfriend was coming over. i always ominously clean my assault weapons on the coffee table like that. it had nothing to do with you.”
“On the other hand, yoga pants” I hear that, buddy.
“tv dinners are amazing, like ‘here’s this fucking tray with a shitty-ass meal of army-grade beef and potatoes that we froze into an ice cube. go stick it in your magic radiation box and eat it in front of the other magic radiation box that shows you cartoons whenever you want.’“
“the only reason why tv and radio weren’t used for porn from the start was because everyone would have been embarrassed to have their kids in the same room.”
“this jonny depp motherfucker’s on thin ice with me, disrespecting the legacy of tonto like that. come here and catch my titanium fist in your face, you birdhat wearing sonovabitch.”
“heard that bruce lee used to wire up his abs to electrodes to work them out for six hours a day, and i’m like, just six? just your abs? get on my level.”
“it used to be that making your handwriting look nice was just a thing people did, and knowing how to type was a specialized skill how things change.”
“did you know that a screaming orgasm is another word for a type of alcoholic beverage? i didn’t. i think my reaction to overhearing someone order twelve last night at the bar was reasonable, but the bouncer disagreed. sorry, steve.”
type one: fan fiction is a love letter to canon, only small changes unless it’s an au!!
type two: the source material can bite me, I don’t give a fuck
type three: horny
sorry, I forgot one
type four: canon COULD be so good if it wasn’t so straight/white/horny, so I fixed it while holding unblinking eye contact with the creator and mouthing ‘die’
Alex would be the only human most aliens had met, right?
At first, people think she’s Kryptonian or a Daxomite, but they quickly figure out that she isn’t, that her species is from some planet nobody cares about, if they even know about it, some planet who’s population hasn’t even gotten past their own moon.
So, the intergalactic community starts to believe that every human is like Alex, and thus – fearless and reckless and basically indestructible.
Alex Danvers goes into space, becomes a space pirate, and humanity gains it’s reputation as Space Orcs.
you know the standard operating procedures backup your decision, but alex was still hurt, still may be dying – and there are no guidelines to make you feel better about that.
[or: lucy is faced with an impossible choice and has to deal with the repercussions]
”take the shot.”
that’s alex’s voice in your ear. you hear the urgency, the panic.
”director,” that’s agent bird’s voice “he’s dialing. this is the only chance we’re gonna have.”
you know the sniper is right.
”tell him to take the shot, luce.” alex’s composure is slipping, you can hear it. you can almost see it on the grainy cctv footage winn pulled up of the warehouse ”do it.”alex is saying, and her voice is more urgent now ”you have to tell him to do it.”
you know she’s right.
you know hundreds of lives are hanging in the balance.
”it’s okay luce.” that’s alex’s voice, soft and understanding – despite it all ”you have to do this.”
“i’m sorry.”
those are your own words.
your last words to alex.
“take the shot.”
barely have the words left your lips when there’s an echoing crack and on the screens spread in front of you,
the perp falls.
alex falls.
a door behind you flies open “lucy, what the hell did you do?”
Maggie loved community outreach. Granted, she usually worked within the confines of alien outreach, but today she had the chance to reach kids before they became bigoted assholes like her parents. It was a career day of sorts, a favor for an ex’s current girlfriend, a science teacher at T.H. Maiman High. Come in, talk about the Science Division and how they (admittedly mostly just Maggie) were working to be better than the cops the kids saw on tv.
Alex slid into the booth, setting the pizza and tray of buffalo wings down as she did so. She had barely settled before a phone was thrust in her face. She stared at the picture of Maggie for a moment before looking up at Lucy with a raised eyebrow.
“That is a great lockscreen, but I do know what Maggie looks like.”
Lucy rolled her eyes as she pulled the phone back. She unlocked it, then thrust it back at Alex.
An unplayed YouTube video.
A familiar unplayed YouTube video.
She looked at Lucy again, schooling her face into confusion.
“Just watch it,” Lucy sighed. “Maggie and I found it last night.”
Alex glanced between the two, ignoring the way her chest always tightened around them, then played the video.
She watched as a person wearing a GoPro followed another as they ran across the roofs, jumping and rolling and vaulting.
Her and Kara.
“I want to do parkour,” Lucy announced through a bite of wing.
Alex glanced over the phone to see Maggie rolling her eyes.
“You are not doing parkour,” Maggie said.
“And who are you to stop me?”
“Your girlfriend.” Maggie took a sip of her beer. “Really though, it’s dangerous.”
Alex looked back at the phone to see the person do a wall pass before moving into a jump and landing on the edge of the skyscraper.
“Not to mention,” Maggie continued. “Trespassing in places.”
Lucy scoffed.
“Really,” Maggie pushed. She pointed at the phone. “Those two? They cross the L-Corp building constantly.”
“Well, Ms. Security Guard, what are you going to do about it?” Lucy asked.
The video ended. Alex passed the phone back.
“Maggie’s right,” she said, pulling a slice of pizza from the pie. “That’s dangerous as fuck.”
Lucy pouted. “That’s rude, you two aren’t supposed to team up against me.”
Maggie pressed a kiss to her cheek. “Get used to it, babe.”
“Oh, is Alex finally joining us for some fun?”
Heat rose up Alex’s cheeks even as it settled low in her stomach.
Maggie shoved Lucy lightly. “Leave her alone.”
Alex ducked her head, hoping to hide any disappointment.
“Anyway,” Lucy said. She pulled the phone towards her and put on another video before shoving it back towards Alex. “This channel is great. They’ve got all of these videos of their runs and a linked Instagram account with pictures.”
“Do you know who they are?” Alex asked.
Lucy shook her head.
“They always have those masks on,” Maggie answered. “Probably because they know it’s illegal.”
“Parkour itself isn’t illegal,” Alex absently replied, watching the new video – a simple run, the traceur not wearing the GoPro was wearing a bi flag t-shirt.
“You big on parkour, Danvers?” Maggie asked, tilting her head to the side.
Alex looked up from the video, eyes wide.
“Not…not really. The gym I go to has a parkour area…thing.”
Lucy grinned. “Really? So, could you help us figure out who these two are?”
“Why would I do that?”
“Cause I want to meet them?”
Alex rolled her eyes. “I don’t really do anything with any of that, sorry.”
Lucy huffed.
Alex glanced at the time in the corner of the phone screen.
“Crap, I gotta get to lab hours,” she said, shoving the textbooks piled at the other end of the table into her bag. “I’ll see you two later?”
“Of course.”
Alex glanced back when she reached the door.
Maggie was holding some of Lucy’s hair back as she kissed the side of her head.
Alex let out a small breath. Longing filled her chest before she pushed out of the restaurant.
–
“Can you hold it for another moment?”
Alex rolled her eyes. “Yes, Kara, I can hold for another moment.”
She stared at the bar a few feet below her. She focused on her breathing, on keeping her body still. She tried to not pay attention to the blood rushing to her head in her upside down position.
“And, done.”
At Kara’s words, Alex untwisted her body, then dropped off of the ledge she had been posing on to the roof a few feet below. She rolled into the landing, but let the momentum go, falling back onto the roof.
She stared up at the sky, at the clouds floating past, at Kara floating down, scrolling through the pictures she had taken. Alex pushed herself up as Kara floating right to a seated position.
“I like this one,” Kara said, passing the GoPro over.
Alex pulled her mask down to hang from her neck.
The picture was good, capturing the strength and control she was using thanks to her sleeveless shirt. Her hair fell in front of her face, leaving just the rainbow mask visible. The city and ocean and dawn sky framed her.
“It’s good,” she said. “Post it.”
She passed the GoPro back, looking towards the city. She scooted closer to the edge of the roof, letting her legs hang down. She stared out, at the ocean meeting the sky.
“Maggie and Lucy found the channel,” she said.
“Really?” Kara asked, scooting up next to her.
Alex nodded. “Lucy wants to figure out who we are.”
“That would be bad, right?”
Alex shrugged. She pulled the mask from her neck, staring down at it in her hands.
“Have you thought any more about telling them?” Kara asked, voice soft.
Alex traced the colors of the rainbow back and forth. Had she thought about it? Of course she had. She thought about it every time she saw them.
But…
“I don’t know. If I come out, I can’t take it back, you know? It’s out there and, and…”
“Real?”
Alex looked to Kara, then nodded.
“It is real, Alex,” Kara said. “This part of you is real.”
“I know, I know. I just…not yet, okay? I’m just not ready yet.”
“Okay. When you are, I’m here for you, alright?”
“I know.”
Alex pressed a kiss to Kara’s temple, then put the mask back on.
“Last one to the ground buys dinner tonight,” she said before rolling backwards to get on her feet and racing across the roof, diving right into a flip across the gap between the next building.
Question of Smoke 