So I’ve seen a few posts about coffee and cafine but nothing about energy drinks. When was the last time you read the ingrediants when you drank it? I drink monster and know people who drink Red Bull and I have a feeling that what is in there would scare the shit out of aliens
The human Sandra was the only one in the rec room when Tøah entered, reclining in a drift-chair. Tøah nearly bounced off the floor when a snap-hiss sounded through the room. Fortunately, it was just a pressurized drink can that Sandra had opened.
“Greetings, Sandra.” As a trained diplomat and linguist, Tøah managed not to lisp the human ’s’ sound the way most atarrī did. “What’s that you’re drinking?” Tøah instantly regretted the question, since humans could and did consume almost everything.
“Oh, this?” Sandra’s accent, called “Southern” even though it had originated on a northern continent, did interesting things to the vowels of Interlac. “It’s an energy drink… It’s probably not safe for atari to drink, but you can check the ingredients.”
“Energy drink? Mostly starches and sugars, I presume?” Tøah gingerly accepted the can. It was black with an image of green claw marks. Creepy. She rotated the can to inspect the ingredient list, then spent a moment digging the translations from the her memory. “This– I– but–” [gulp, gasp] “Storm winds, this drink is mostly poison!”
Tøah hastily handed the can of metabolic toxins back to the human.
“Well, maybe it is for y’all,” Sandra sipped at the toxin concoction, “but I can’t hardly live without it.”
“What’s that?” A new voice next to her head made Tøah shriek and leap away, collapsing into a heap of disheveled blue feathers. She twittered away in dialect, cursing deathworlders human and jawuti alike for their ability to move silently without conscious effort.
Sandra and the newly arrived Jaka stared at Tøah with identical expressions of startlement. Under other circumstances the bugged eyes and slack jaws on the flat, oak-skinned human face and the blunt-muzzled jawuti with caramel fur would have amused her. Presently she was just trying to get her plumage in order.
“Uh,” Sandra spoke sideways to Jaka, “it’s a drink. Here, check the ingredients.”
Jaka used a pocket computer to translate the ingredients while Tøah reclaimed her dignity. She had just managed it when Jaka said “Oh! It’s an energy drink!” and Tøah tripped over nothing.
“You know- of course you know what energy drinks are.” Tøah grumbled. Deathworlders.
“Well yeah! The ingredients are different, being Terran and all, but the relevant chemicals are the same! May I?” Jaka quirked an ear at Sandra, who nodded. Tøah shivered as Jaka took a large drink, with every sign of enjoyment. “Hey, this is pretty good. What flavor is it?”
Sandra, busy digging in a pack, distractedly said “Original. I don’t think it’s based on any particular fruit. Ah!” She emerged from the pack with three other cans. “My sister sent me a couple cases of different flavors. Wanna help me compare ‘em, Jakjak?”
“Sure!”
Tøah retreated from the deathworlders and their poisons. Humans were too weird.
1. Humans say ‘ow’, even if they haven’t actually been hurt. It’s just a thing they say when they think they might have been hurt, but aren’t sure yet.
2. Humans collect shiny things and decorate their bodies and nests with them. The shinier the better, although each individual has a unique taste for style and colouring
3. Humans are not an aquatic or even amphibious species, but they flock to bodies of water simply to play in it. They can’t even hold their breath all that long; they just love to splash!
4. When night falls and the sky goes dark, humans become drowsy and begin to cocoon themselves in soft, fluffy bedding.
5. Some humans spend time in each other’s nests! Just for fun! It’s not their nest; they’re just visiting each other.
6. Some humans use pigments and dyes to make their bodies flashy and colourful! They even attach shiny dangly bits to their cartalidgous membranes!
7. Humans are very clever, and sometimes adopt creatures from other species into their family units. They don’t seem to notice the obvious differences, and often raise them alongside their own young!
8. If a human sees another creature in distress, they can commonly be observed trying to help! Even at their own risk, most humans are deeply compassionate creatures!
9. If a human hears a particularity catchy sound or tune, it will often mimic it, even to the point of annoying themselves!
10. Sneezes are entirely involuntary, and completely adorable. Especially when the human in question becomes frustrated
11. Humans love treats!!! Some more than others. Many humans will save these treats specifically for a later date when they are in need of comfort or reassurance. IE, pickles, pop tarts, Popsicles, etc
12. They’re learning to travel in space!!! They can’t get very far, but they’re trying!!! So far, they’ve made it to the end of their yard, and have found rocks
this sounds like it was written by a really enthusiastic alien humanologist
Yes, that is a mass-produced piece of cloth, stuffing and buttons. Yes, it is identical to thousands of other items. No, you can not get the human a new mass-produced piece of cloth, stuffing and buttons to fill the same function. Only this mass-produced item can fill the function.
The function is somewhat unclear.
The mass-produced piece of clothing, stuffing and buttons must always be in a place of honor in the living quarters. The mass-produced item is not allowed to be covered with other items or fall over. That is bad for the mass-produced piece of clothing, stuffing and buttons even though it is not physically harmed. Items indicating actual honors, such as certificates or medals, can be covered or fall down. That is acceptable.
If the mass-produced piece of clothing, stuffing and buttons has unacceptably fallen on the ground where it may be inadvertently nudged with one’s mobility appendages, that is very bad and disrespectful to the item. Apologies are required, but should be directed at both item and human. The item will not reply.
The human may engage the mass-produced piece of clothing, stuffing and buttons in conversation. Most mass-produced items lack the capability to make any sound, and those that were produced with the capability are limited to prerecorded generic comments not indicative of sentience. Furthermore, the mass-produced item is incapable of any other response type, including movement, radio wave transmission, or temperature manipulation. The human will not appear to notice.
Further study is being done to determine if there is another dimension of life humans are attuned to but have not recorded in the scientific literature.
Further study has revealed an arcane text that seems to reveal that the mass-produced piece of clothing, stuffing, and buttons does possess a certain level of life that can be enhanced by contact with a human. The document is suspected to be a taboo subject as every human approached on the matter burst into tears as soon as the subject was broached.
So there has been a bit of “what if humans were the weird ones?” going around tumblr at the moment and Earth Day got me thinking. Earth is a wonky place, the axis tilts, the orbit wobbles, and the ground spews molten rock for goodness sakes. What if what makes humans weird is just our capacity to survive? What if all the other life bearing planets are these mild, Mediterranean climates with no seasons, no tectonic plates, and no intense weather?
What if several species (including humans) land on a world and the humans are all “SCORE! Earth like world! Let’s get exploring before we get out competed!” And the planet starts offing the other aliens right and left, electric storms, hypothermia, tornadoes and the humans are just … there… counting seconds between flashes, having snowball fights, and just surviving.
To paraphrase one of my favorite bits of a ‘humans are awesome’ fiction megapost: “you don’t know you’re from a Death World until you leave it.” For a ton of reasons, I really like the idea of Earth being Space Australia.
Earth being Space Australia
Words cannot express how much I love these posts
Alien: “I’m sorry, what did you just say your comfortable temperature range is?”
Human: “Honestly we can tolerate anywhere from -40 to 50 Celcius, but we prefer the 0 to 30 range.”
Alien: “……. I’m sorry, did you just list temperatures below freezing?”
Human: “Yeah, but most of us prefer to throw on scarves or jackets at those temperatures it can be a bit nippy.”
Other human: “Nah mate, I knew this guy in college who refused to wear anything past his knees and elbows until it was -20 at least.”
Human: “Heh. Yeah everybody knows someone like that.”
Alien: “……. And did you also say 50 Celcius? As in, half way to boiling?”
Human: “Eugh. Yes. It sucks, we sweat everywhere, and god help you if you touch a seatbelt buckle, but yes.”
Alien: “……. We’ve got like 50 uninhabitable planets we think you might enjoy.”
“You’re telling me that you have… settlements. On islands with active volcanism?”
“Well, yeah. I’m not about to tell Iceland and Hawaii how to live their lives. Actually, it’s kind of a tourist attraction.”
“What, the molten rock?”
“Well, yeah! It’s not every day you see a mountain spew out liquid rocks! The best one is Yellowstone, though. All these hot springs and geysers from the supervolcano–”
“You ACTIVELY SEEK OUT ACTIVE SUPERVOLCANOES?”
“Shit, man, we swim in the groundwater near them.”
Sounds like the “Damned” trilogy by Alan Dean Foster.
“And you say the poles of your world would get as low as negative one hundred with wind chill?”
“Yup, with blizzards you cant see through every other day just about.”
“Amazing! when did you manage to send drones that could survive such temperatures?”
“… well, actually…”
“… what?”
“…we kinda……. sent……….. people…..”
“…”
“…”
“…what?”
“we sent-”
“no yeah I heard you I just- what? You sent… HUMANS… to a place one hundred degrees below freezing?”
“y-yeah”
“and they didn’t… die?”
“Well the first few did”
“PEOPLE DIED OF THE COLD AND YOUR SOLUTION WAS TO SEND MORE PEOPLE???!?!?!?”
My new favorite Humans are Weird quote
“PEOPLE DIED OF THE COLD AND YOUR SOLUTION WAS TO SEND MORE PEOPLE?”
aka The History of Russia
aka Arctic Exploration
aka The History of Alaska
Being from Alaska, this was sort of how I felt going to college in the lower 48′s and learned that no one else had been put through a literal survival camp as a regular part of their school curriculum, including but not limited to:
1. Learning to recognize all forms of animal tracks in the wild so you can avoid bears and moose and search out rabbits and other small animals to eat.
2. Extensive swimming and climbing on glacial pieces with competitions to see who could last the longest, followed by a group sit in the sauna so we wouldn’t get hypothermia (no, not kidding, I really did this many times as a kid!)
3. How to navigate using the stars to get back to civilization.
4. How to select the right type of moss from the trees to start a fire with damp wood (because, y’know, you’re in a field of snow. Nothing is dry.)
5. How to carve out a small igloo-like space to sleep in the snow to preserve body heat and reduce the windchill so you won’t freeze to death in the arctic.
“I’m telling you, I don’t think we need to worry about territory conflicts with the humans. You know all those deathtrap hell-worlds in the Argoth Cluster?” “Those worthless rocks? Yeah.” “80% of them are considered ‘resort destinations’ by those freaky little primates.”
“I’m telling you, they terraform for fun!” “Don’t be ridiculous” “No, seriously. Some of their most celebrated cultural loci are built on swamps. They have an entire city that is literally in a body of water. Not, like, an artificial pontoon city, they literally sunk the foundations into water. For Grilp’s sake, they build elaborate structures out of frozen water AND THEN SLEEP IN THEM.” “Dear Thilak. Think we could get them to terraform our moons?” “Psh, they’d probably pay for the privilege.”
Eventually, it occurs to someone that humans are the perfect terraforming shock troops, as it were. They think it’s fun to be sent to horrible planets! They’re really good at surviving and then taming them! All you have to do is sit back and wait until the planet is habitable, and then move there yourself! It’s genius.
It only takes one try before the reality of the situation sets in: human definitions of ‘taming’ and ‘habitable’ are woefully incomplete.
“Why did you not eliminate the venomous plant life?” Grahssk’ti moans, clutching one limb.
“Those?” The human laughs. “Why bother? They’re not that bad. And they eat the mosquitoes.”
Grahssk’ti shudders. The ‘mosquitoes’ are… not to be mentioned. Just one swarm of them caused a landing shuttle to crash three planetary daylights ago.
“And the acid storms? Why did you not warn us of them?”
“I mean, they’re annoying,” the human says, shrugging, “but we figured the cool sunsets made up for it.”
Grahssk’ti flails helplessly. “What about the ten-meter tall Fanged Death Bringers? They can eliminate an entire settlement in under an hour!”
“They’re so cute!” the human says, brightening. “Have you met mine? Her name is Spot!”
Humans are told of some planet or region of space that is considered “completely and utterly inhospitable – it would be folly to try and settle there.”
Without fail, a decent number make it a point to settle there because “Fuck You That’s Why.” It doesn’t matter how uneconomical it is, how difficult the conditions are, how utterly ridiculous it may seem, there will be at least one human who will attempt to do it only because someone else regardless of species says it is improbable or WORSE impossible.
“This moon is still forming as such it is primarily soft – by that I mean most of the magma is close to the surface and-”
‘OH BADASS you mean its like Mustafar right!?!?!?! I’m totally going to build a castle there.’
“What. I mean. There is NO fertile ground there whatsoever. No ecosystem. It is molten rock and minerals only.”
‘Which will make my castle there look METAL AS FUCK am I RIGHT!?!??! Come on. COME ON. I TAUGHT YOU HOW TO FISTBUMP COME ON.’
“….you….you are going to die, you know this right?”
‘I’m getting the feeling you don’t want to come to Lava Castle for some reason?’
Question of Smoke 