accio-shitpost:
harry potter au where the potions master is gordon ramsey
okay but imagine this
gordon ramsay is the potions master the whole time, right?
so. lupin comes in and brings out the boggart. when neville goes up to it, it doesn’t transform into a teacher who’s been emotionally and verbally abusing him for three years (it likely turns into his grandmother, who’s probably been doing it for even longer, but at least seems to believe she’s doing the right thing, doesn’t seem to have any bad intentions, and does genuinely care about neville’s wellbeing). because that teacher doesn’t exist. neville doesn’t even go first, because no one publicly insulted him and lupin never needed to boost his self-confidence.
in fact, neville’s pretty good at potions. not great, because no one’s great at everything, but professor ramsay is always kind and understanding and gives him all the help he needs, never once criticizing him for making a mistake that anyone might’ve made.
hermione earns a buttload of points for gryffindor for helping neville when the professor is busy with other students. professor ramsay never once calls her a know-it-all, and by the time she’s in her sixth year she’s spending free periods as a teacher’s assistant.
despite being renowned for his temper, professor ramsay never once raises his voice at any students unless it’s absolutely necessary – as in, there’s a situation where someone may be in danger and yelling gets people’s attention. he isn’t here to yell at children; they aren’t contestants on a show. they’re here to learn, not to win a prize.
no one takes away harry’s quidditch throughout the ages book.
no one pretends not to notice when hermione’s teeth reach her chin.
no one actively encourages bullying.
no one makes people dread one of the most interesting classes in the school.
when professor ramsay tracks down lupin to give him his potion, there’s nothing blocking him from hearing them out and acting rationally. sirius black goes free, peter pettigrew goes to azkaban, and sybill trelawney never makes a second prediction.
but no one makes an unbreakable vow with narcissa malfoy, either. no one is there when draco malfoy realizes that, despite everything, he can’t look someone in the eye and take their life. dumbledore is forced to take his own life, because he truly believes it’s necessary, and maybe he’s right. but it doesn’t save draco. maybe no one ever could. three more fall to the dark lord – a death eater, his wife, and their beloved son.
when harry potter returns for the final battle, pansy parkinson says nothing. her ideals were shattered when her boyfriend died, and the fact that her father is still a death eater tells her that he cares more about his prejudice than he does about her.
slytherins fight in the battle to save hogwarts, and many of them die. millicent bulstrode never knew lavender brown, and didn’t like her much anyway, but that doesn’t stop her with hitting fenrir greyback with a dislodged stone from the castle wall until he stops moving. she goes to lavender’s funeral too, though she doesn’t know why.
crabbe and goyle fight one another. goyle was loyal to malfoy, in the end, and crabbe to the dark lord. both of them survive the fight, but it’s hard to tell who won. maybe nobody did.
dennis creevey and astoria greengrass have never met before, but they hold hands as they hear their siblings’ names listed among the causalities. dennis leaves the wizarding world – it took his brother away from him, and suddenly the magic isn’t so magical anymore. astoria follows. he keeps his wand, just in case, but she breaks hers. she never wants to see another spell again.
people died who might not have died. people lived who might not have lived.
when it was all over, harry potter stood over the body of tom riddle. maybe he wished he knew more about the past. maybe he was glad that he never would.
severus snape was never the potions master at hogwarts school of witchcraft and wizardry. gordon ramsay was.
one small change made another change, and then another and another and another until everything ended up different.
in the end, though, this is the story of harry potter. and, for him, it ends the same. he goes off into the world of adults, knowing a little bit more about potions than he otherwise might have. maybe not much about him has changed. maybe everything has.
he sits quietly with his cousin on christmas, their children trading uncomfortable looks in the awkward silence. “gordon ramsay taught my potions class,” he says, once. dudley nods. nothing really surprises him, anymore. professor ramsay might’ve retired by then, or he might’ve died in the war, or really any number of things could’ve happened. “do you think it mattered?” he wonders, aloud. it seems to come out of nowhere, and he isn’t really asking, but dudley wouldn’t know how to answer anyway.
they just sit there, two men from two different worlds, who will never fully understand one another. but maybe their children will, someday. or maybe not.
after all, how much difference can one man make?
Question of Smoke 