harry potter au where the potions master is gordon ramsey
okay but imagine this
gordon ramsay is the potions master the whole time, right?
so. lupin comes in and brings out the boggart. when neville goes up to it, it doesn’t transform into a teacher who’s been emotionally and verbally abusing him for three years (it likely turns into his grandmother, who’s probably been doing it for even longer, but at least seems to believe she’s doing the right thing, doesn’t seem to have any bad intentions, and does genuinely care about neville’s wellbeing). because that teacher doesn’t exist. neville doesn’t even go first, because no one publicly insulted him and lupin never needed to boost his self-confidence.
in fact, neville’s pretty good at potions. not great, because no one’s great at everything, but professor ramsay is always kind and understanding and gives him all the help he needs, never once criticizing him for making a mistake that anyone might’ve made.
hermione earns a buttload of points for gryffindor for helping neville when the professor is busy with other students. professor ramsay never once calls her a know-it-all, and by the time she’s in her sixth year she’s spending free periods as a teacher’s assistant.
despite being renowned for his temper, professor ramsay never once raises his voice at any students unless it’s absolutely necessary – as in, there’s a situation where someone may be in danger and yelling gets people’s attention. he isn’t here to yell at children; they aren’t contestants on a show. they’re here to learn, not to win a prize.
no one takes away harry’s quidditch throughout the ages book.
no one pretends not to notice when hermione’s teeth reach her chin.
no one actively encourages bullying.
no one makes people dread one of the most interesting classes in the school.
when professor ramsay tracks down lupin to give him his potion, there’s nothing blocking him from hearing them out and acting rationally. sirius black goes free, peter pettigrew goes to azkaban, and sybill trelawney never makes a second prediction.
but no one makes an unbreakable vow with narcissa malfoy, either. no one is there when draco malfoy realizes that, despite everything, he can’t look someone in the eye and take their life. dumbledore is forced to take his own life, because he truly believes it’s necessary, and maybe he’s right. but it doesn’t save draco. maybe no one ever could. three more fall to the dark lord – a death eater, his wife, and their beloved son.
when harry potter returns for the final battle, pansy parkinson says nothing. her ideals were shattered when her boyfriend died, and the fact that her father is still a death eater tells her that he cares more about his prejudice than he does about her.
slytherins fight in the battle to save hogwarts, and many of them die. millicent bulstrode never knew lavender brown, and didn’t like her much anyway, but that doesn’t stop her with hitting fenrir greyback with a dislodged stone from the castle wall until he stops moving. she goes to lavender’s funeral too, though she doesn’t know why.
crabbe and goyle fight one another. goyle was loyal to malfoy, in the end, and crabbe to the dark lord. both of them survive the fight, but it’s hard to tell who won. maybe nobody did.
dennis creevey and astoria greengrass have never met before, but they hold hands as they hear their siblings’ names listed among the causalities. dennis leaves the wizarding world – it took his brother away from him, and suddenly the magic isn’t so magical anymore. astoria follows. he keeps his wand, just in case, but she breaks hers. she never wants to see another spell again.
people died who might not have died. people lived who might not have lived.
when it was all over, harry potter stood over the body of tom riddle. maybe he wished he knew more about the past. maybe he was glad that he never would.
severus snape was never the potions master at hogwarts school of witchcraft and wizardry. gordon ramsay was.
one small change made another change, and then another and another and another until everything ended up different.
in the end, though, this is the story of harry potter. and, for him, it ends the same. he goes off into the world of adults, knowing a little bit more about potions than he otherwise might have. maybe not much about him has changed. maybe everything has.
he sits quietly with his cousin on christmas, their children trading uncomfortable looks in the awkward silence. “gordon ramsay taught my potions class,” he says, once. dudley nods. nothing really surprises him, anymore. professor ramsay might’ve retired by then, or he might’ve died in the war, or really any number of things could’ve happened. “do you think it mattered?” he wonders, aloud. it seems to come out of nowhere, and he isn’t really asking, but dudley wouldn’t know how to answer anyway.
they just sit there, two men from two different worlds, who will never fully understand one another. but maybe their children will, someday. or maybe not.
after all, how much difference can one man make?
What the shit you made me cry
Not fucking okay
😦 so well written though holy moly
i’m actually incredibly happy to hear that because it now means i can say “i once wrote an 860 word story about gordon ramsay at hogwarts and made someone cry” writing is fun
There will be a day when I see this and I will scroll past.
Today is not that day
Plus Ron is casting his curse non-verbally. That’s very difficult and it requires training and practice to successfully cast a nonverbal spell. It’s success is determined by the amount of concentration and mental discipline of the witch or wizard. But this is Ron Weasley he likely didn’t put training and practice into casting non-verbal spells, this advanced magic comes to him naturally. The only other time we see him cast a non-verbal spell is when he accidentally made it snow in the great hall, and that was only because Lavender was glaring him down after he said Hermione’s name while he was unconscious in the hospital wing. He felt crappy and his emotions were so intense he unknowingly made it snow. Here he’s trapped in a muggle cafe, with his best friend and the girl he loves. He’s probably scared, and angry but most of all protective. He wants to defeat these Death Eaters without anything happening to his team. His emotions are intense again and that allows him to cast a powerful non-verbal spell. No, not even a spell, a curse. We’ve seen Hermione cast non-verbal spells loads of times but even here she says the curse to ensure it’s potency. Ron is concentrated and disciplined enough in this moment to curse a Death Eater without any words at all.
I think one of the reasons the Harry Potter Epilogue was so poorly received was because the audience was primarily made up of the Millennial generation.
We’ve walked with Harry, Ron and Hermione, through a world that we thought was great but slowly revealed itself to be the opposite. We unpeeled the layers of corruption within the government, we saw cruelty against minorities grow in the past decades, and had media attack us and had teachers tell us that we ‘must not tell lies’. We got angry and frustrated and, like Harry, Ron and Hermione, had to think of a way to fight back. And them winning? That would have been enough to give us hope and leave us satisfied.
But instead. There was skip scene. And suddenly they were all over 30 and happy with their 2.5 children.
And the Millennials were left flailing in the dust.
Because while we recognised and empathised with everything up to that point. But seeing the Golden Trio financially stable and content and married? That was not something our generation could recognise. Because we have no idea if we’re ever going to be able to reach that stage. Not with the world we’re living in right now.
Having Harry, Ron and Hermione stare off into the distance after the battle and wonder about what the future might be would have stuck with us. Hell, have them move into a shitty flat together and try and sort out their lives would have. Have them with screaming nightmares and failed relationships and trying to get jobs in a society that’s falling apart would have. Have them still trying to fix things in that society would have. Because we known Voldemort was just a symptom of the disease of prejudice the Wizarding World.
But don’t push us off with an ‘all was well’. In a world about magic, JK Rowling finally broke our suspension of disbelief by having them all hit middle-class and middle-age contentment and expecting a fanbase of teenagers to accept it.
Also. Since when was ‘don’t worry kids, you’re going to turn out just like your parents’ ever a happy ending? Does our generation even recognise marriage and money and jobs as the fulfillment of life anymore? Does our generation even recognise the Epilogue’s Golden Trio anymore?
Harry and crew at Hogwarts in what is technically their eighth year, studying for their NEWTs and trying to fit back into a life they’ve half outgrown, the teachers never bothering to treat them like students under their authority anymore and half the other students going to them for Defense Against the Dark Arts lessons.
Harry shoving money at people, hey, you were a muggleborn who lost your wand to the Muggleborn Registration Committee? here have enough to buy your wand back and some more besides, you need to get your house back, how much do you need? starting a business, here have some start-up cash. injured in the final battle? take this money and get trained for a new line of work that doesn’t require legs. bitten by a werewolf? here’s money to buy potion. and he just keeps handing it out without paying any attention to it and there keeps being money there, and how the fuck is it okay that he has so much while others have to buy secondhand books and use secondhand wands?
Harry wanting to burn Grimmauld Place to the ground, and Harry wanting to donate Grimmauld Place as a home for people with bad family situations and people whose family have died and don’t want to be alone, and Harry never wanting to see Grimmauld Place again.
Harry wanting to snap at Molly’s mothering, at Molly’s being after him to cut his hair, at Molly’s invitations to him to come stay at the Burrow. Harry knowing she’s probably going to be his mother-in-law and knowing she’s lost a son and settling for pointing out that Aunt Petunia always hated his hair too, which shuts her up.
Harry and Draco walking on eggshells around each other. Harry making a few overtures of reconciliation and being rebuffed. Harry finally saying, well, be a prat then, and Draco snapping and slamming him into the wall, Muggle-style, and ranting for five minutes straight on how much it sucks to have believed in someone and been betrayed, to have lost, to have been saved by the person who defeated his side of the war, to have his dad in Azkaban and to have been handed Dumbledore’s life on a silver platter and been unable to take it, to have trusted Severus Snape and find out he was working for the other side and the war is over and Harry’s so covered in glory while Draco will never escape the stigma of having been a Death Eater when he wasn’t even a good Death Eater.
Harry looking at him and saying, yeah, that sucks, that’s fucked up. Saying, he watched Dumbledore die, watched his godfather die, lost Fred lost Mad-Eye lost Remus and Tonks, watched Cedric die because he was being too noble to take the Triwizard Cup for himself even though Cedric tried to insist. Saying war is fucked up, war fucks you up, shatters everything and you’re left with fragments that cut you open when you try to pick them up.
Draco telling Harry he’s dating Astoria, who doesn’t believe in blood supremacy. Harry telling Draco that if he likes Astoria, he should date Astoria, and he can give his kids magic and love and he doesn’t need to give them a position at the top of the social hierarchy to be a good father to them. Harry telling Draco that when he was faking being dead, Draco’s mother lied to Voldemort for him because he told her Draco was alive.
Harry taking part and giving evidence in the trials of captured Death Eaters and snatchers and others. Harry offering Lucius a plea bargain that will let him go home. Harry telling Lucius he understands people don’t like being in debt to their enemies, and if Lucius wants to hate him, that’s fine, but Harry thinks Lucius ought to go home and be with his family. Lucius saying nothing, but going home, and when Christmas break ends Draco comes back to school looking human for the first time in two and a half years.
School ending, and the whole double class of students sort of milling, cast adrift into an adulthood they’re not quite prepared for and at the same time are too familiar with. Half the flats above Diagon Alley being rented out by students in small groups and pairings who have no idea how to keep house; Diagon Alley getting an unofficial expansion as the Muggle flats nearby get rented to more of the same, with back doors leading to alleyways that lead to back ways into Diagon.
Some of the abandoned businesses in Diagon Alley getting opened by former Hogwarts students who don’t quite know what they want to do; a few of them importing Muggle concepts with a touch of magic: a store that’s a different Muggle fast-food restaurant every day of the month, a store that brings in Muggle items, Muggle music, Muggle technology. An internet cafe that serves butterbeer and Mountain Dew, cauldron cakes and Cheetos, side by side.
Knockturn Alley getting cleaned out by a new Ministry crackdown on the Dark Arts, and being taken over by those who feel shattered or tainted by the war. Stores trickle in to replace the old places, and shrines to the departed line the storefronts, here a fountain placed in memory, here a quote graffiti’d on the wall, here a mural, there a pile of flowers and trinkets. It’s a quiet place, contemplative; somehow the bustle of Diagon never touches it. Wildflowers grow through the cobblestones, and generations of future witches and wizards will grow up thinking “Nocturnally” refers to the twilight of the passage between worlds.
Hermione and Ron clashing over Ron’s expectations growing up with a mother who did everything for him and expecting a wife who’ll do the same. Hermione moving in with George and Angelina above the joke shop. (Angelina loved Fred, and is halfway in love with George; they are united in their missing of Fred. Hermione is growing to love George, who under his pranks and devil-may-care attitude is quite clever and inquisitive. The three of them make a decent vee, and Angelina can go travel with her international Quidditch team without worrying about George being neglected.)
Ron rebounding with Pansy Parkinson, of all people, who’s rebounding from Draco; their relationship being first built on a temporary cure for loneliness and rejection and an indulgence of spite at their respective exes, and then surprising them by continuing to work well once all that has faded.
Ollivander taking Cho Chang as an apprentice wandmaker. Susan Bones and Hannah Abbot undertaking the work to turn Grimmauld Place into Phoenix House, a home for abused, orphaned, and neglected magical children, squibs, homeless or familyless witches and wizards, and convalescents from St. Mungo’s.
Ginny’s first child is a daughter, with Harry’s black hair and green eyes; she indulges Harry by naming her Sev, like the boy Harry’s mother once played with when the world was new and full of wonder. It’s short for Severa, which is Latin in the old wizarding tradition, and it reminds Harry of Evans and of ever, which has about the same meaning as Always.
Draco and Astoria end up having five kids, and Draco scandalizes his younger self by loving every aspect of fatherhood times five. Daphne Greengrass, Astoria’s sister, ends up marrying Percy Weasley, which means Draco’s kids have Weasley cousins. Family get-togethers are very interesting, but somehow Narcissa and Lucius survive.
*GRABS THIS AND RUNS TO THE MOUNTAINS WITH IT SO NO ONE CAN EVER TAKE IT AWAY FROM ME*
what if the boy who lived was the girl who lived? scruffy tomboy harriet “call me Harry” potter, getting extra rubbish from the Dursleys both from being a girl and being the wrong kind of girl
and absolutely nothing in the entire 7-book series changes except for pronouns. because girls can be brave and imperfect and angry and sulky and loud just like boys can.
(except a girl harry would room with Hermione Granger and the Patil twins instead of Ron and Sean, but that’s literally the only thing I can think of that might change)
absolutely nothing whatsoever changes with regards to Ginny. except that in addition to “why doesn’t Harry notice me as more than a chum,” she grumbles, “why hasn’t Harry managed to realize that CHO IS STRAIGHT”
IF this becomes a popular text post, this is how I want to be remembered
i couldnt help it
changing dorms would change a lot actually. :
(aka i express howo much i love this post through comic s)
i’m totally down with this post
except
“but Harriet would room with Hermione Granger and the Patil twins instead of Ron and Sean”
who the fuck is sean
obviously dean and seamus. combined into one. one whole sean.
Hermione would have made a wonderful Slytherin. Fiiiiiiiiiiiic iiiiiiit!
The reason Hermoine isn’t a Slytherin is because she believes every time that what she’s doing is right. Not good for her. Not convenient. Not simply contributing to her goals. But she believes, with a whole-hearted conviction, that her choices are objectively right, fitting, and just. That’s why she doesn’t flinch. It’s one thing to think you’re doing something because it serves your ends, or its necessary. It’s another to have the burning conviction that the thing you’re about to do, no matter how heinous it might seem, is morally sound and just.
Slytherins know they’re justifying their means to get their ends. Gryffindors believe that every means they employ are just. Hermoine is a crusader knight with a wand, and doesn’t care what the collateral damage is so long as she is just in her destruction.
This is why Gryffindors are infinitely more dangerous than Slytherins. Slytherins serve their interests, and revise their plans when their interests aren’t served. They deal in reality. That’s what ambition is. But Gryffindors will march a bloody path down to the gates of hell if they are convicted of the moral necessity and justice of it, casualties be damned.
Question of Smoke 