Disclaimer; I debated heavily on whether I should even write this. But with all my talk about how little sex education exists for asexual people, I’ve never taken a huge step towards explicitly describing the process of sex while ace from my own experience. It’s something that should be done, because very little of it exists.
This is a voice that needs to be heard for the asexual community as a whole. Also, there’s tons of non-ace allosexual people who have no clear comprehension of what goes on in the minds of aces under sexual duress. And more specifically, they don’t know what happens when you get a sex-repulsed asexual in a sexual situation. One that they willingly enter. Repeatedly.
Why is this information important? Because, chances are, this will be the first time you read a perspective like this. No one has ever given me answers about my aceness when it comes to sex. No one has ever taught my anything about sex education in the asexual experience. This is for all the aces out there. This is for all those people who have aces in their lives, and want to understand them.
When it comes to conceptualizing asexuality – whether you’re writing the protagonist of a young adult novel, world-building an alien race, or trying to understand real aces in your own life – there’s a lot of repeated trends at risk of occurring. And they range from ‘that’s a common stereotype so don’t paint us with such a wide brush’ to ‘ oh my god could you be any more wrong’.
Asexuality = Low Sex Drive. The idea that asexuality is intrinsically tied with low libido is one idea that the world can’t seem to get rid of. Probably because it’s partially true; many aces indeed attribute their (lack of) sexual orientation with a lack of sexual drive. With low desire for sexual intimacy (sometimes) comes a low desire for anyone. And to many aces, that’s their asexuality.
But to many other aces, the two could not be any further apart. My libido is high, even higher since starting HRT, and it hasn’t affected my lack of sexual attraction for other people. And not every Joe identifies as asexual because they find it hard to get sexually aroused; just because physical stimulation does little for you doesn’t mean you’re guaranteed to not feel attracted to others. So asexuality always equating to low libido does no one any favors.
Whether ace or not, that shit can be really confusing and hurtful and difficult.
Like… I’m here for the ace/arc people who have a sex drive and get so confused because their body wants something but their brain doesn’t.
I’m here for the ace/arc people who don’t like to see genitals/porn/any sexual content but are bombarded with it all the time every day because our society is so obsessed with it.
I’m here for all the ace/arc folks that are fine with seeing sexual content or masturbating, and having nobody understand why they don’t want sex, as though having sex with somebody else and masturbation are the same thing.
I’m here for the ace/arc people who are so repulsed by genitals they can’t even look at their own body.
I’m here for the ace/arc folks who have always been that way, and I’m here for those people who are pretty new to this.
I’m here for the ace/arc people who are fine with the way they are, and the people who are neutral about it, and the people who hate it.
I’m here for the ace/arc people who are in relationships with people who want sex and all the confusing and hurt that can bring.
I’m here for the ace/arc people who want relationships but feel like they’re unlovable because they can’t give a partner what they want/need.
I’m here for the ace/arc people who want to have sex for the feeling or for the intimacy or for whatever reason, but just can’t bring themselves to do it and spend so much time stuck in that limbo.
I’m here for the ace/arc people who think they want something, then feel dirty and broken and upset and regretful afterwards.
I’m here for all of you, from those who aren’t really comfortable with having sex, to those who have anxiety/panic attacks over it and all in between.
It can be confusing and scary and hurtful as shit. It’s hard to navigate even your own body and your own comfort zones, let alone when you’re engaging with somebody else. I’m here for you all because somebody needs to be. …Because I need somebody to be.
So this post seems to be picking u pa lot of notes again, and I would like to reiterate that I’m still here for all arc (sex-Averse sex-Repulsed, or sex-Conflicted) people. It’s messy and complex and painful and can make you feel like shit in so many different ways.
Meaning of the letter “A” when appearing in LGBT[…]+ acronyms:
Asexual: 95.4% of respondents, 1936 total
Aromantic: 80.7% of respondents, 1639 total
Agender: 66.7% of respondents, 1353 total
Ally: 13.9% of respondents, 282 total.
I’m just posting this here for my aces and aros who are feeling down on themselves and defeated tonight. Remember that nine out of ten people support you and that the current loudest voices are not those of the majority.