you know whats a good trope? when a character sarcastically says “what should we do? [proposes outlandish and foolish plan]” and the next scene is them mid-execution of said outlandish and foolish plan
I want to see a fanfic where Harry hatches a basilisk.
I want to see a fanfic where he looks up “magical snakes” as soon as he gets to Hogwarts because that thing at the zoo always bugged him, and so the Trio works out that it’s a basilisk immediately after the first petrification in Second Year. But they don’t know how it’s getting around or where it is or anything, so Harry is just like WELP SET A BASILISK TO FIND A BASILISK while Hermione and Ron are like HARRY NO.
I want to see a fanfic where Harry sticks a chicken egg under a toad and makes all these plans about how he’ll talk to his huge deadly snake and get it eye-blinkers and shit so it doesn’t kill people and make sure it’s not too aggressive, and somehow it never occurs to his twelve-year old brain that the chicken egg has a total volume of about four tablespoons and he is not going to get the giant King of Serpents he is expecting.
I want to see a fanfic where it finally breaks out of the shell and Harry finds himself with a bb!basilisk too smol to even have the murder-eyes yet, who can only petrify someone for about half an hour before the effect wears off. She eats spiders and gets tired very easily and demands that he wear a hood she can curl up in and sleep.
(She is also the same vivid green as his eyes and already hideously venomous, but doesn’t like using her fangs because she says they get cold and give her brain freeze when she unsheathes them.)
I just… I really want Harry with a haughty, demanding, arrogant danger noodle who has an overinflated sense of her own importance, views Hedwig as a TERRIFYING MENACE because she isn’t big enough to eat owls yet and keeps up a steady stream of insults hissed in Harry’s ear whenever she’s near someone who has a Dark Mark (which she can sense at close range). And who is basically useless as a familiar because she refuses to slither across anything other than sun-warmed stones or Harry, hasn’t got a very powerful gaze yet and doesn’t like biting people.
(Except snake-arm-people. She finds snake-arm-people confusing and annoying, and would probably make an exception on the no-biting thing where they’re concerned.)
I mean there are obviously a lot of factors influencing snake growth rate but if we assume basilisks just get stupidhuge because they grow their whole lives and are immortal, this snake is probably going to be at least 8 feet long by Deathly Hallows, which is a significant and intimidating chunk of scaly muscle that is intelligent enough to do what it is told. Like, you know, hey, bite this necklace.
So I mean by like his fourth year it’s going to be pretty hard to hide this snake that is nearly as long as he is tall and it’s not going to do much for his reputation that the Boy Who Lived has a pet fucking basilisk but holy damn does it make book seven a whole hell of a lot shorter.
I feel like I should write this
can you just imagine him ron and hermione coming up with increasingly ridiculous excuses trying to hide their pet baby basilisk in the dorms (hagrid would be so proud). how long do you think it’d take before harry’s pet basilisk is just a really badly hidden secret between all of gryffindor? and the ensuring antics of the entire house as they try to keep mcgonagall from finding out? (she knows something is up, but even just thinking of what could be big enough the entire house is trying to keep it from her makes her want to break out the firewhiskey)
ron gets the idea to try and practices parseltongue with baby basilisk since he hears harry talking in his sleep with it all the time anyway (and ngl, baby basilisk is kind of adorable and eats all the spiders in the dorm so he doesn’t have to deal with them, he’s pretty smitten once she hatches), and as soon as hermione overhears him trying it, she’s dragging him and harry to the library because, well, parseltongue is a language, why can’t they learn it? so it’s the two of them alternating between hissing at harry and hissing at the basilisk and harry is trying so hard not to laugh because 90% of what they’re saying is utter nonsense and the basilisk doesn’t even bother, because she likes these two humans but wow are they dumb, that’s not how words work.
– A literary analysis claiming that Jekyll was gay and strongly insinuating that Hyde was his drag persona
- 500 words on how Despacito has changed the American music industry (in Spanish)
- Literally didn’t even write an essay just turned in a picture of that scene in Monty Python and the Holy Grail where the cartoon angels are playing the trumpet w their asses
– We were supposed to make a ‘diary’ from the pov of a character in Romeo and Juliet. I chose to write as a gay servant who was hopelessly in love w Romeo and plotting to murder Juliet. It’s entirely handwritten w my left hand and stg every single word is spelled wrong. One page just says ‘today I saw a geese’. There are no fewer than 6 thinly veiled sexual innuendos.
Sorry to be the person to add unsolicited personal stories to posts, but I do very similar things with essays that I’m quite proud of and wanted to share, so here are a few of mine in chronological order:
– the assignment (freshman year) was to write an instructional essay about a mathematical concept we had used that year, “preferably the quadratic formula.” I wrote a 5 paragraph instructional essay on how to add single digit numbers. I received a grade of 105 for creativity and accuracy.
– the assignment was to write a summary of the uber-important grade-wide government simulation as a reporter from a mainstream newspaper. I chose the onion and wrote about the European Union changing its name to the European Disunion because they felt bad about all the anti-brexit voters who got let down
– we were supposed to watch a historical movie and write a compare/contrast essay on how accurate it was to actual historical events. I chose Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter and did not mention vampires AT ALL until the last sentence of the essay.
– in health class we were assigned to write a “letter” essay convincing a teenager not to try drugs. I wrote an impressively sinister 6 paragraphs posing as the FBI agent stalking the teenager filled with lines like “they’re trying to hurt you. don’t ask me how I know- I always know. I’m here even when you can’t sense me. Drugs kill more effectively than the yakuza- and I would know.”
These are incredible
Freshman year of high school, for my Bible class (private school Christian education, whattup) we had to write a diary entry from an Egyptian’s pov during the period when Moses came to free the Israelites and the whole 10 plagues bit happened. I turned in three pages of hand-drawn hieroglyphics. 100.
Sophomore year of high school we had to write a poem in the style of a poet we had covered that year. I chose Alfred Noyes (he wrote “The Highwayman”) and, being that I was fully obsessed with Avatar the Last Airbender, I wrote “The Cabbage Man.” 100.
Junior year of high school we had to write a persuasive essay about Hamlet. I wrote mine arguing that Hamlet was very poor-sighted (he thinks Polonius is a fishmonger, he doesn’t recognize Ophelia, he literally thinks Rosencrantz is a sponge, etc.). It was complete bullshit, but I provided textual evidence for every claim and ended with the assertion that, had Hamlet a good Ophthalmologist, a good amount of nonsense could have been avoided. I got a 100 and the teacher read it out loud to the class
Senior year of high school, for my college admissions essay, I was supposed to write a letter to someone who changed my life. I wrote it to the monster who lived under my bed as a child. I got into every college I applied to.
Early on in my master’s program for library and information sciences I had to write an essay examining how archives are used by records creators and researchers for the purpose of preserving and accessing information.
I wrote about the Journals in Gravity Falls.
In my philosophy class, I wrote a cyborg constitution that was 5 pages long. Teacher said it was hard to get A’s on his essays, I got an A.
In one of my theology classes at uni, we had to write a persuasive essay about one of the Catholic sacraments (marriage, baptism etc). I argued that gay people should be allowed to get married in the Church, and backed myself up with textual evidence from theologians and biblical sources. Catholic university, and the Catholic professor gave me an A.
Modern fantasy creatures and people being exposed to new lifestyles and developing dreams and goals that don’t fit with their species or their culture in the slightest.
A dwarf who was born in a mine, grew up in a mine, and can count the number of times they’ve been surface-side on both hands. One of these times, they witnessed an airshow. They go home and tell their parents: “Mom, Dad, I want to be a pilot.” “What’s a pilot?” “We’ll, y’see…” And a brief explanation later… “YOU WANT TO DO WHAT? WHERE DID WE GO WRONG? DAMN IT, ROK, I TOLD YOU THAT THE SUN WOULD GO TO HIS HEAD. NOW HE THINKS HE CAN FUCKING FLY, THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!
An elf who has a deep interest in geology and underground exploration signs up for a dwarven digging mission. Shows up first day all long limbs and being seven feet tall, and has to become a 90 degree angle to get through the door. “Hey guys! Who’s ready to look at some rocks? Am I right? Well, it’s a tight fit, but I bet I can do it if I squeeze. Ooh, I know some great digging songs by the way.” The dwarves immediately try to find a way to fire the elf without being sued for racial discrimination. “I told you we should have been more careful about the ad.” “I put in it Gold and Gems Monthly, Brek, how was I to know elves read that kind of thing?” “OHMIGOSH, GUYS COME SEE WHAT I FOUND!” “Your turn, Nik.” “I swear to God, if it’s another goddamn stalagmite again…”
A centaur whose herd migrates to a coast area and sees the ocean for the first time. “Greyhoof, I’m going to be a fisherman.” “What?” “I’m going to sail the seven seas; I want to be a sailor.” “Blackmane, you’re half horse, you can’t sail.” “I can learn.” “You can’t climb their weird ropes things. What would you even do on the ocean?” “It’s called rigging and I’d be a fisherman, obviously, like I told you.” “YOU’RE A CENTAUR, YOU CAN’T SAIL!” “YOU DON’T KNOW THAT. DON’T TRY AND DESTROY MY DREAMS, GREYHOOF, I CAN DO ANYTHING I SET MY MIND TO. I BELIEVE IN ME.”
A mermaid who gets really interested in those land mountains that touch the clouds and meets an extreme mountain-climber on the beach, then decides they’ve found their calling. “I’m going to be the first mermaid to climb Mount Everest.” “What? Bluefins, that’s ridiculous.” “No, no, I’m gonna do it.” “You can’t breathe air.” “I’ll bring a tank of water, like what the humans do with air when they dive.” “YOU DON’T HAVE LEGS.” “I know, that’s what’ll make me the first mermaid to do it. I’m going to have to work around that, but” “FOR FUCK’S SAKE, BLUEFINS. WE’RE TROPICAL.” “No, see, there are these human things called coats. I’ve got it all figured out. Look, I drew plans.” “WITH WHAT?”
This speaks to me today.
I both fear for Bluefins and strongly encourage her tenacity
Sometimes fanfiction is a love letter to the original canon, sometimes it’s just that one telegram that says “Fuck you. Strongly worded letter to follow”.
Question of Smoke 